I made the fucking most of Memorial Day long weekend.
I dyed my hair dark enough brown that it may as well just be called black. (Cause who goes lighter in the summer anymore? Highlights are not for me)
I had lunch at a historic inn and put a down payment on my townhouse (Literally the oldest inn in the country. I had a sandwich which was delicious)
I bought some good work stuff and BRIGHT RED JEANS (I have never owned colored pants and I must say I love them.
I rented a car for my upcoming drive back down to Boston with my stuff. (9 hour potentially solo roadtrip? BRING IT!)
I found the greatest dress I have ever seen for graduation.
And people, this dress. With my new hair and the whole thing, I look kind of like a cross between an evil sea-witch and a celtic god.It’s black with transparent green flowers and so girly and like nothing I would have ever expected to love.
However, I love it. I am so excited to have a chance to wear that bad-boy.
To the people in my life who know me, I do not deal well with sudden abrupt changes in the planned schedule. Those who are close with me in the real world know how hard it is for me to accept any deviance from the established order and set pace of things.
I can plan things weeks in advance, or come up with new things on short notice, but when I have a set plan and it gets thrown off or changed dramatically, I don’t do well.
So today, when my dad asked me to look into an alternative to him driving my stuff down after convocation, A WEEK BEFORE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THIS, I did not deal well. And I was talking to J at the time, who asked how he could help me move. I said I didn’t think there was anything, unless he wanted to drive me back from Canada with all my stuff.
People, he’s looking into taking a day off work to fly up to Canada with me and drive all my stuff back.
What in the actual fuck did I do to deserve anyone this amazing?
Cause J was supposed to sleepover last night. And instead, his partner got hurt on the last call of the day and his company decided “hey, let’s just turn this 12 hour shift into a 48 hour one, since you’re already gonna be working all day for us tomorrow.” Cause in paramedic land, it’s legal to allow someone to work for 48 straight hours.
When you spend two weeks unable to stay asleep through the night
Every 5:30am morning feels like a car accident.
All I want to do right now is to lay somewhere quiet and die peacefully. The thought of going into work today, when I fully know that I’m quitting this job and have a position at the bank, is making me want to cry.
I hate spending my entire day lying to people. Which is actually the fundamental job itself. But now on top of calling strangers and lying to them, I have to lie to all my co-workers and act as if I ever plan on coming back.
I have an interview with a major investment firm Tuesday at 3. If they won’t give me that afternoon off, I’m handing in a letter of resignation today.
I wonder what it feels like to be skinny, and thin, and wake up in the morning in nothing but a t-shirt, undies, messy hair, that 'just woke up look' and still have someone think I'm hot, to have guys look at me, to have guys want to be my boyfriend, to have girls be jealous of my body, to feel my hipbones and collarbones, to feel confident in a bikini, to sit down and not feel fat everywhere, to not rub out the thighs in my jeans, to need a smaller size in the store, I wonder what its like to look in the mirror and like what I see, and not want to break the mirror. Pretty much, I just want to be beautiful. I could go on forever..
Things are still moving right along. I think I’m getting a townhouse with two other girls in Quincy right on the shore. I can see Boston from the balcony, and am in love with the place. So hopefully all our credit checks go through and then I can figure that shit out.
The guy (henceforth J the Paramedic) is becoming a staple. I think mainly because he’s amazingly fun to be around, and I just like being with him, and partly because he’s the only person I really am friends with in this country. The only drawback to this is that everytime we hang out I keep getting a little more involved. And he recently revealed that he has a son, so that’s something I’m going to have to contend with at some point eventually. But he’s going to take me to see the dinosaurs in the BMoS, and has already been amazing about touring me around the state and showing me all cool things.
My job is the shittiest must mundane, unimportant work I have ever done in my life. I hate everything about the actual work itself, but it’s a paycheck. And I love my coworkers and the environment and everything about my job except the actual job. So that’s a bit of a tradeoff. I already have some work friend and in typical L fashion, have numerous inside jokes around the office already.
So basically, the three major things every girl seems to want in life (a house, a job, a guy) have fallen into my lap in a matter of weeks. It still hits me every night as I lay in bed that this somehow worked out. I moved down here with literally $4 to my name, a degree from a very small university no one has ever heard of, and no real plans. In the span of 19 days, my life has magically worked out. I keep getting told from everyone that it’s karma paying me back for the last 22 years. But really, I think I am just the luckiest person to ever live.
In which I second guess everything in my life whenever things start to go well and I just doubt everything and everyone until something goes wrong. At which point I’m relieved in a weird way, because it makes more sense to me that humans are supposed to be disappointed.
Like, how many people actually get exactly what they want out of life?
I have a job, and an interview for a better job tomorrow. I got a new phone this week, and my laptop is dying, but whatever.
I had two dates this week with a guy who I now have a huge crush on. And I apparently have a type, cause he’s a cute paramedic who seems unreasonably cool. He took me to see the avengers and eat pad thai and drive to the ocean. And there was totally some kissing on a dark beach. Which blew me away. I’m sure this is gonna blow up in my face, but I’m not phased right now. I’m just smiling a lot and really happy with everything in my life.
::sound of sink’s garbage disposal cutting something chunky up:: ::sound of something squirting through a hole too small for it to fit:: ::sound of thick dudes with their shirts off punching each other in the chest on a long grassy field outside a college dormitory:: ::sound of an ambulance exploding on a cartoon over and over:: ::sound of Trent Reznor chopping carrots with his mind:: ::sound of hot tubs overflowing onto more water::
Your ability to regurgitate information in the way others want you to
Your ability to understand what adults want from you and give it to them
Your tolerance for working on tasks you don’t find useful because others want you to do them or believe them to be helpful/socially acceptable
What grades do NOT determine:
Your emotional capabilities
Your likeliness to succeed
Whether you’re a good person
Although let’s be honest, all of the things on the FIRST bulleted list very well MAY determine your likeliness to succeed, because that’s pretty much what you need to be able to do in many jobs. And just because you’re not mature enough to understand that what you’re doing in school probably IS helpful and/or socially acceptable and beneficial for your future, doesn’t mean you’re right. It means the people who have put years into learning how to do their jobs and learning what’s most beneficial for teenagers is probably right. Get over it. Well-educated, well-trained adults know more than you do.And if you have a shitty teacher that just expects you to memorize things then that sucks, but if you take five seconds to peruse the blogs of any teachers who are on tumblr, you’ll probably find out that you’re wrong, because the majority of teachers put a lot of time and effort into finding ways to incorporate your individual skills and strengths into your learning.
Has anyone ever says grades determine if you’re a good person? Also some grades sure do show if you’re smart or not. The grade you receive on an IQ test, for one.
AND as a science teacher/former scientist/former science major some of my best teachers made me memorize a shit ton. For some subjects it’s really helpful. For example, if I make you memorize the path of blood through the heart I can ask you what would happen if you were given a drug that produced atrial fibrillation. You have to memorize things before you can talk about them and explain them. You have to memorize the steps of RNA transcription before you can understand the importance of certain cancer drugs that block the forming of the transcription initiation complex. Memorization isn’t higher order thinking but in many subjects you need a base level of knowledge before you can synthesize and analyze.
Also, do you know how unendingly frustrating it is as a student to have a teacher who thinks grades are useless based on that second bullet list? Like come on. We as a society have collectively decided that this is the way we will judge whether or not someone is good at something school wise. As both T and A have explained, no one has ever said that a grade determines if you’re a good person. Grades more or less let you know how you’re doing in comparison to the level of comprehension that is expected from you in life.
So get over it and just accept your C without thinking that the world owes you something! I am a smart person, and when I put in the effort to do what people want from me in school, I can get A’s, and when I don’t, I don’t do as well. It’s really simple. ALSO! Because our society places a huge stake in how well you can do progressively through life based primarily on your past marks, grades actually ARE a huge determining factor in your likeliness to succeed.