I had J cook me and my two new roommates dinner, after he had picked me up from training (which turned out to be an hour out of his way).
And I also had a nice freakout on the drive back from training, in which I ended up looking like a real monster and J got real frustrated.
Here’s the thing. I can see and feel myself sabotaging this. I really like him and want to spend time with him and be near him constantly and I really really enjoy him. And every time he asks me for a bit more, or suggests that this is more than casual, or asks me where I think this is going, I can’t breathe and I freak out and then I spend the next hour or so being weird and unhelpful. And I can completely see what I’m doing, and I don’t want to be doing it. But then last night, he needed to go pick up his son at midnight. And as I was laying alone it kept hitting me that I’m just holding it all back so that he can’t use it against me.
To elaborate, at this point, we both know that he is the more involved party. He also knows that bringing up serious conversations with me is a surefire way to make me NOT discuss it. I know myself to know that I won’t use that against him. Like, I will never ask him to pick between his son and me, or to change who he is or the way he is because I don’t like it. The problem is, I don’t know that he won’t do exactly that. I can assume, based on knowing him, that he doesn’t want to hurt me or change me, or make unreasonable requests of me. But I also assumed that of my demon ex, who turned out to really enjoy fucking with me mentally.
LONG STORY SHORT: I just need a reminder that J is not the demon ex or anyone else I have ever known and try to give him a fair shot at this. And I need to stop being such a monstrous girl and just tell him outright that I’m getting crazy about him.
J told me he’s starting to fall for me.
I responded by asking him to kill me in a zombocalypse.
Still cold, less rainy.
I went to bed at 10 last night and slept like a rock. J had to pull an all nigher waiting for a vessel taking on water to be rescued. I know the word hero gets tossed around, primarily by me, a lot. But that is so fucking impressive to me.
I got the move in date for my new house and get to drive to Massachusetts and move in the same day! So I’m excited for that. There’s gonna be some solid exhaustion for the week after that.
It’s supposed to rain on my convocation day. Which is especially awesome because it’s an entirely outdoor ceremony, rain or shine. So awesome. I hate rain too. I can deal with any weather on that day, I just hate rain so much. There is nothing redeeming about it (And shutup about making plants grow, because it’s wet and uncomfortable for me and I’m not a plant. Thus, I don’t consider that a benefit).
Today I get to go on a driving quest to the cottage. And I will nap!
I have a job, and an interview for a better job tomorrow. I got a new phone this week, and my laptop is dying, but whatever.
I had two dates this week with a guy who I now have a huge crush on. And I apparently have a type, cause he’s a cute paramedic who seems unreasonably cool. He took me to see the avengers and eat pad thai and drive to the ocean. And there was totally some kissing on a dark beach. Which blew me away. I’m sure this is gonna blow up in my face, but I’m not phased right now. I’m just smiling a lot and really happy with everything in my life.