This is long and I will understand if you skip it.

When she first fell for my dad, my mother listened to Walking on Sunshine constantly. She said it was the only thing that felt as happy as she was. My dad told me he listened to This Must Be the Place in the same manner. He’d never felt so right about someone before. My mom was his “home.” As their marriage progressed, their song always varied. They never had a solid piece of music that they identified with as “the song.” They used to sing You’re Still the One to each other and dance through my living room to Michael Buble and Frank Sinatra.

I have so many songs I associate with so many people. Everything Is Alright will always be the song that helped me to get over my first heartbreak with The Favorite. I listened to Fresh Feeling so many times when I first fell in love with The Demon Ex. Every time I hear The Beatles, I think of The Roomie. Call Your Girlfriend will be, for the rest of my life, the song that reminds me of K and S. I fell in love with J the night he sang You’ve Got Whatever It Is, and God Bless the Broken Road will tear me apart for the rest of time because it was the first time someone ever told me that they thought of me when they heard it. Right Away, Great Captain is always going to pull me back to the end of my university, and Born to Die will remind me of getting ready for work and my basement room.

My dad used to do the cutest stuff for my mom. I came home from work one day in high school to see “I LOVE YOU” spelled out in cutlery for my mom. He would come home with flowers just because. He would sit with her on the couch and reach for her hand all the time. And my mom loved my dad. So fiercely. She was the only thing that could calm him down sometimes. They were so good together. Until they weren’t. 

I am so confused. I am so in love and I shouldn’t be. I know this will end badly, and I know that I will ruin lives. And I just don’t care. I missed how his hands felt, and I missed how his smile looks and how his voice sounds and his arms. I missed talking with him. It’s sick, this is sick and wrong and a bad thing. But again, I just don’t care.

I need this. This one thing. Because I am in a city I still don’t know. I am surrounded by people I still would not call my friends. My family is broken and won’t get fixed. And I need him to be there to make me happy. His life is whatever it’s going to be. There’s nothing I do that will change things for him. And as I have learned, I am terrible at being a homewrecker. But I have no intentions of wrecking his home. I’m really good at loving him. That’s all I need for right now.

Last Night

I had J cook me and my two new roommates dinner, after he had picked me up from training (which turned out to be an hour out of his way).

And I also had a nice freakout on the drive back from training, in which I ended up looking like a real monster and J got real frustrated.

Here’s the thing. I can see and feel myself sabotaging this. I really like him and want to spend time with him and be near him constantly and I really really enjoy him. And every time he asks me for a bit more, or suggests that this is more than casual, or asks me where I think this is going, I can’t breathe and I freak out and then I spend the next hour or so being weird and unhelpful. And I can completely see what I’m doing, and I don’t want to be doing it. But then last night, he needed to go pick up his son at midnight. And as I was laying alone it kept hitting me that I’m just holding it all back so that he can’t use it against me.

To elaborate, at this point, we both know that he is the more involved party. He also knows that bringing up serious conversations with me is a surefire way to make me NOT discuss it. I know myself to know that I won’t use that against him. Like, I will never ask him to pick between his son and me, or to change who he is or the way he is because I don’t like it. The problem is, I don’t know that he won’t do exactly that. I can assume, based on knowing him, that he doesn’t want to hurt me or change me, or make unreasonable requests of me. But I also assumed that of my demon ex, who turned out to really enjoy fucking with me mentally.

LONG STORY SHORT: I just need a reminder that J is not the demon ex or anyone else I have ever known and try to give him a fair shot at this. And I need to stop being such a monstrous girl and just tell him outright that I’m getting crazy about him.

Actual thing that happened today:

J told me he’s starting to fall for me.

I responded by asking him to kill me in a zombocalypse.

Romance.

Canadian update:

Still cold, less rainy.

I went to bed at 10 last night and slept like a rock. J had to pull an all nigher waiting for a vessel taking on water to be rescued. I know the word hero gets tossed around, primarily by me, a lot. But that is so fucking impressive to me.

I got the move in date for my new house and get to drive to Massachusetts and move in the same day! So I’m excited for that. There’s gonna be some solid exhaustion for the week after that.

It’s supposed to rain on my convocation day. Which is especially awesome because it’s an entirely outdoor ceremony, rain or shine. So awesome. I hate rain too. I can deal with any weather on that day, I just hate rain so much. There is nothing redeeming about it (And shutup about making plants grow, because it’s wet and uncomfortable for me and I’m not a plant. Thus, I don’t consider that a benefit).

Today I get to go on a driving quest to the cottage. And I will nap!

So this whole moving thing is going really well

I have a job, and an interview for a better job tomorrow. I got a new phone this week, and my laptop is dying, but whatever.

I had two dates this week with a guy who I now have a huge crush on. And I apparently have a type, cause he’s a cute paramedic who seems unreasonably cool. He took me to see the avengers and eat pad thai and drive to the ocean. And there was totally some kissing on a dark beach. Which blew me away. I’m sure this is gonna blow up in my face, but I’m not phased right now. I’m just smiling a lot and really happy with everything in my life.